I mean...I have a partner. He happens to be a dude. He's aight. Okay, fine. I love him a bunch...but, let's get straight with one another...Committing to a beer is so much easier...
1. Beer never asks "What do you want for dinner?"
Never in the history of my life, has a beer ever turned to me and said, "Where should we go for dinner? You pick." I've never gotten on that hamster wheel of indecisive, "I don't care. Whatever you want" with my favorite stout or gose. Never. Not even once. I'm not saying that makes beer a better partner, I'm just saying, beer doesn't give a shit what I'm eating for dinner.
2. Beer doesn't cringe when I drive
Oh my god! Just let me do me for Christ sake. Sometimes, I coast in the left lane for a few minutes. Sometimes, I over correct and hit a curb. Beer would never shame my driving.
3. Beer doesn't care about sports or video games
...and neither do I.
4. Beer doesn't spend all it's PTO in the bathroom
I've never seen an IPA settle in for a 45 minute bathroom session. What the hell is going on in there? Has your body completely shut down? Has all of the universe stopped moving and it's affected your bowels? Get your shit together. Literally.
5. Beer is just as co-dependent as I am
Every time I open the fridge, there it is. Just sitting there, waiting for ME. Beer gets me and I get beer. We never argue or disagree. Our relationship is well-defined and emotionally mature...Well, until I drink too much of it and then there's nothing less mature than a drunk me...but, beer understands and loves me anyway.